What percentage of your time do you spend thinking about the
past?
And what percentage of your time do you spend thinking about
the future?
Don’t hedge. Create actual numbers in your head.
Now add them up. Subtract the sum from 100. And that leaves
the percentage of time for you to be mindfully in the present.
Most people are shocked by this exercise. After all, you
can’t change the past, and you can’t know the future. So the shocking part is
that so many people spend such little time in the present; and it’s the only
thing you really have control of.
“But,” you’re thinking, “I have only pleasant memories of
the past; and I have wonderful goals for the future.” Our concern is not just that
memories represent past embarrassment, or that the future present only worries.
Thinking about positive events in the past means longing for it, wishing to go
back to that time. And there’s nothing wrong with making plans and having
goals, but too much time spent thinking about what things will be like when you
get there detracts from doing the things necessary to get there.
Learn from the past so as not to repeat mistakes in the
future. Plan for the future by acting in the present in ways that are
consistent with that plan. Then live each day in the present to its fullest;
because the past is gone, never to be repeated, and we cannot know the future,
or even if there will indeed be a future.
And let’s say you have big dreams. What is your plan for
after you make your first million? What happens after you win Olympic gold?
What happens when you reach the peak; is it all really downhill from there?
Define yourself by who you are, not by your aspirations.
That doesn’t mean you can’t fake it until you make it; but if you define
yourself as a successful person, and your habits or abilities prevent you from
truly becoming that false identity; you’ve created a failure of yourself. And
that failure becomes your new identity. “I can’t do anything because, you see,
I had this dream; and the dream didn’t work out; and it’s all I had. So I am a
failed dream. And I can’t rise above that because that’s who I am, and that’s
who I will always be.” For the person voicing such a rationalization, positive
anticipation may or may not have been realistic, but nevertheless was
unrealized. And once the dream ended, the focus shifted from the future to the past;
reliving the moment of failure, and perhaps regretting having put all the eggs
in one basket. The only real failing is the inability to consider alternate
futures. But that requires taking stock within the present.
Do not interpret the preceding as advice to avoid dreaming
big. Rather, expand your definition of Self from “I am the dream” to “I am
someone who dreams big.” Then expand it from the future to the present, “I am
someone who works toward big dreams.” Then minimize the influence of Fate by
putting yourself in control, “My dreams don’t define me. I define my dreams.
And as circumstances change, and as I come to a full understanding of my
internal and external resources, my dreams can change.” Then be open to new
opportunities, “Should I have the opportunity to accomplish a really big dream,
I retain the flexibility and ability to set new goals. I will not be limited or
defined by my accomplishments. But I will be defined by the way I live my life
each day.”
Learn from the past. Prepare for the future. Live in the
present.
Present and accounted for
Posted by Stork on October 4th, 2011 | No Comments »
Filed under Uncategorized | Tags: aspiration, dreams, Worry
Theft by Credit Card
Posted by Stork on June 20th, 2011 | No Comments »
Champagne taste on a beer budget presents a real paradox in the search for happiness. Theft by credit card is not just a legal crime associated with identity theft. In terms of financial health, it can be a moral crime you commit against yourself. You do it out of a sense of entitlement, to support an aspirational lifestyle. It is hardly surprising that people who rationalize excessive feel-good purchases are drowning in credit card debt.
Your “Need” is My “Excess”
Aspirational purchasing may be good for the economy, but it isn’t good for you. To understand why, you have to understand the concept. Aspirations refer to what you would like to be, or how you would like to live. Aspirations could be related to a specific plan or goal, but more often they simply convey a dream.
The aspirational lifestyle is based on a distorted sense of need. Aspirational needs are fueled by:
- Wanting to live like one’s parents, without the 20-30 years it took them to achieve that lifestyle.
- Peer comparisons. In a competitive society, too many people judge their self value not by how their own real needs are met, but by whether or not their friends or neighbors have more.
- Short attention spans. Special events have become ubiquitous, so that nothing is truly special anymore. That makes it harder to be patient and delay gratification.
- Controlling ads. Advertisements sell by creating dis-satisfaction (“You deserve the car of your dreams”) and fear (“You are a bad mother if you do not use anti-bacterial soap”). And though you may initially resist the attempts of advertisers to control you, their persistence has a cumulative effect on the subconscious mind.
These are the types of influence that cause one to go about acquiring the trappings of wealth prior to acquiring an occupation or resources sufficient to fund those acquisitions. And ads support that as well by suggesting that short-term debt is really just a matter of convenience. So you put yourself in debt on the presumption that 1) the terms will make it easy to pay by installments, 2) your aspirations are to increase your income, making the debt a temporary inconvenience, and 3) if all else fails, positive thinking will present a solution if it should become necessary to really pay the debt off.
Bottom line, such rationalizations only mask an attitude of “I can’t wait, I need it now, and I’ll have it despite the potential consequences.” And that is what makes such spending excessive. It is not the amount. It is not the nature of the purchase. It is the impatience and imprudence of acquiring debt to satisfy short-term desires.
Don’t fake it till you make it
Some wealth advisors advocate living the lifestyle you desire, on the presumption that new avenues consistent with the way you portray yourself will open. It can work…but rarely. Few people have the demeanor or desire to exert the effort that must accompany this approach. Even assuming that wealth production might follow the mere appearance of wealth, at what point does one attempt to stop spending beyond their means? It is a hard habit to break.
More important to Be than to Aspire
Aspirations are good and positive. They contribute to happiness if they are realistic, you have a plan, and you are willing to exert effort in that direction. But living the life of your dreams, in a way that creates an ever-deepening pool of debt, becomes a nightmare.
It is important to plan for the future, but live in the present. Credit cards are not inherently evil. They are indeed convenient. Particularly if you have the resources to zero out your account each month. But the current economic conditions may force credit card issuers to find new ways to charge even those of us who pay off the balance every month. We may not like it, but they provide a service and should get something for it.
The thief to watch out for is yourself
It is easy to blame credit card companies for the hole many people find themselves in. But far too many people dug that hole with no assistance. Aspirational spending steals from your future. Only in the most euphemistic terms can it be considered any type of investment. It is money you will never see again. And with credit card interest hovering around 26%, aspirational acquisitions end up with a real cost of around twice the purchase price. So remember, for that finger pointing blame at the credit card carriers, there are three fingers pointing back at you.
If you don’t believe it, try living on cash for 6 months.
Filed under Uncategorized | Tags: aspirational lifestyle, controlling ads, credit card, debt
It’s Complicated! No, not really
Posted by Stork on May 28th, 2011 | No Comments »
Though lacking the universality of “Duh!” and “Awesome,” the phrase “It’s complicated,” has established itself firmly in the vernacular. It might be considered non-communicative, as in “ducking the question.” But that’s not entirely true, because the nature of the response conveys quite a lot. If “It’s complicated”—or similar phrases—are part of your lexicon, you might want to consider how it sounds to others and what it says about you.
“It’s complicated” lacks the defensive brashness of “Mind your own business!” So it could be considered a polite way to demur. On the other hand, it’s usually expressed coyly; as in “I’d rather keep you guessing.” And that has a certain allure, up to a point. But it could also mean “I have no idea what I’m talking about.”
“My life is…(dramatic pause)…complicated,” is meant to tantalize. The speaker’s intent is to suggest grave details too burdensome with which to bother the listener. It creates generalized sympathy without the need for messy details. But it could also mean “I haven’t a clue what my life is about.”
As “It’s complicated” is uttered more frequently—eventually rolling off the tongue as if a polite expletive—the details do matter. Because when the details emerge, it’s generally not that complicated. And maybe you do have a clue; but just don’t want to fess up to having contributed to the mess.
The “complicated” part is 1) you have made choices, 2) those choices had consequences, 3) you are living with the consequences, and 4) you don’t want to admit responsibility for the choices that now make your life “complicated.” Or 4) you are unable to take responsibility since you have not taken time to mindfully consider that responsibility.
“It’s complicated” deflects potential criticism of your choices; which means you are not dealing well with them yourself. Failing to admit responsibility for past choices leads to perpetual guilt; or the denial form of guilt, blame. And that guilt or blame creates an excuse to further avoid introspection.
So, “It’s complicated” 1) hides the problem, 2) to avoid conflicting opinions of responsibility for the problem, 3) which allows you to either wallow in your own guilt and blame someone else for the problem, 4) with no accountability.
To avoid a defensive position of explaining or justifying choices, you create an offensive position. You want to sound sophisticated. “I have problems you can’t imagine.” “No one knows the trouble I’ve seen” “The tears of the clown when there’s no one around.” Let the listener create their own assumptions of unrequited love, disappointments, the stuff of dime novels. The idea being to generate sympathy whether it’s deserved or not.
But offense in this form simply hides defensiveness. Imagine the person who says “It’s complicated” with a friend in attendance, and both share a laugh at it. Offensively, it’s an in-your-face expression of “I am so sophisticated I carry on secret conversations with my friends, because they understand me in ways no one else can.” Defensively, it conveys “You are not yet my friend; I have trust issues; I am not ready for you to know I have made choices I regret.”
Un-complicating things is quite simple, though rarely easy. You may recall the Serenity Prayer, “God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.”
Wouldn’t it be wonderful to freely express, “This is my life circumstance. It reflects choices in my past. Those choices influence my future, but do not determine it. I can be who I want to be via the choices I make now.” Not very complicated, is it?
Filed under Uncategorized
Shoulda known? Coulda known. Didn’t know!
Posted by Stork on April 18th, 2011 | No Comments »
Whining is a time-honored pastime. If you are human you have done it. Even Positive Humans can get tired and cranky and engage a little whine with their Chees! But the Positive Human recognizes the negative energy that bubbles up in the whine, identifies the source of that negativity and transmutes it to positive energy.
How can you tell if you are a whiner? Most whiners live in Egypt along de Nile. Some blissfully ignore the inconsistency of “I am happy” followed by a laundry list of complaints. Others fess up to their unhappiness, detailing the same list of complaints. The complaints vary from home to work, from individuals to situations, from minor and specific to serious and broad. The only thing they have in common is that they are seemingly intractable and “… not my fault.”
It’s not uncommon for a whiner to claim “I choose to be happy…” followed immediately by “…if only I didn’t have to deal with these knuckleheads!”
A fellow whiner responds, “I hear you! They do the same thing to me.” Which begets a game of One-Upmanship in which each player attempts to convey ever more grievous complaints of malfeasance, non-feasance, or any other feasance that supports a contention of, “Look what they did to me. They should have known better!”
Which begs the question, How? The modus operandi of the whiner is to air a complaint to everyone except the relevant actor in it. So, this is the point where I recommend talking to the relevant actor and leaving everyone else out of it. And I do so with the assumption that everyone already knows that to be the correct course of action. But, do you!
The first How (How is an offender to know of a misstep if the offended does not say Ouch?) is followed by a second How (How can the offended say Ouch in a way that does not swap roles? I.e., it is unproductive if the offended becomes an offender in a downward spiral of reactive counter-offenses) and perhaps even a third How (How can the offended educate the offender in a way that minimizes future offenses?).
Whining at the offender is ineffective because it acknowledges only one perspective (your own) and usually dictates unilateral change (them). Getting out of whiner mode requires more elegant communication skills than “telling them off.” Rather, you need to listen and be open to change yourself.
Tell the offender what they did (or did not do) that caused offense to you and how it made you feel. Be prepared for some defensiveness; in a world of whiners, the communicative approach is too often unexpected. But speaking calmly and politely is a good way to start, gradually melting the defensiveness and opening clearer communication.
Then listen to their perspective. Be prepared to accept a reasonable explanation. And, yes, ignorance is a reasonable explanation. It may be ignorance of your own desires or preference, or it may be ignorance of broader issues (manners, patterns of speech, culture, etc.). Ignorance presents an opportunity to inform or educate; again calmly, politely, and with compassion for the culture or upbringing underlying that ignorance.
Be prepared also that an offender’s actions may be acceptable within their personal culture or environment. In some circumstances, an offender’s actions may be mandated by a higher authority. In other words, be prepared to accept that some things will not change.
Bottom line, the only person you can change is you. It takes courage to be Happy. With the perception that You are Good Enough, you can say Ouch when offended, but do so in a way that fosters mutual understanding. Very often, offenses are unintentional and easily resolved via calm communication. And for those that cannot be resolved, Happiness sometimes requires Acceptance. That does not infer you should lie down and give in to every offense. Rather, exploring an issue with relevance and objectivity improves your understanding, making it easier to implement change when possible and to accept what cannot be changed.
Filed under Uncategorized | Tags: Acceptance, Communication, Negativity, Perception, Whiner, Whining
Positive Humans tell the truth…to themselves
Posted by Stork on March 19th, 2011 | No Comments »
Most good-intentioned lies protect someone from what is assumed to be a harsh truth. Though most truths are not that harsh, repetition causes the associated lies to become convenient and habitual. And since “everyone does it,” little white lies, falling within a range of acceptable untruth, eventually serve as a proxy for truth.
A couple problems. A lie is a lie, and can never substitute for truth. Lies are negative energy. Lies you tell yourself compound negative energy within your being. In other words, no matter how they are rationalized, lies contribute to negativity.
There is a Common Human tendency toward over-cautiously “protecting” others from the truth. Yet worrying (i.e., negative energy) that someone cannot handle the truth, which leads to a lie (i.e., more negative energy), is contradictory to a positive relationship. As difficult as it seems, there are positive ways to reveal difficult truths to others. But to understand them completely, you need to practice on yourself.
The first step toward telling the truth is to identify the lies you tell yourself. The most common lies are alibis and excuses that attempt to deflect personal responsibility (“I admit I…”) by blaming other people (“It is not my fault that someone else…”) or claiming unique circumstances (“I cannot help it that…”). But the more insidious lies are generated by a perception of deprivation (“I do not have the [time, money, resources] to…”) or the more common, “I cannot afford…”
Alibis and excuses can contain a kernel of truth. What makes them a lie is when you deny having had choices. What makes them a lie is when you allow circumstances or other people to suggest that certain failings make you a failure. In other words, you accept negative energy because you identify with it.
The Positive Human tells the truth, “I did the best I could with the resources available. I know it. God knows it. And that makes it alright.” Of course, that presumes a process of examining the situation via personal introspection to determine whether or not you indeed did do your best. If you did not, admit it to yourself and set a goal to do better next time. That may require some research to determine a means or path to improvement. But that is the strategy of a successful person.
Note, that was a recommendation to admit personal failures to yourself. Admitting failures to others may or may not be entirely necessary. The presumption that others cannot handle the truth is usually exaggerated; and if they really cannot, it does not bode well for a long term relationship. The same is true of inward admissions; and if you cannot stand yourself, no else will be able to either.
Among the clients who come to iHealth Center for hypnotherapy, the notion of “I am not good, deserving, or lovable” is a lie learned from adults when one was young and impressionable. It is a lie that provides a firm foundation for current alibis and excuses. Yet this habit of deflecting personal responsibility eventually leads to a sense of being “stuck.”
To become a Positive Human requires breaking down the old foundation and building a new one. When you start basing your life on the notion that “I am good, deserving, or lovable,” truth dispels negative energy, allowing you to be your best. When you can see it, others will as well.
Filed under Uncategorized | Tags: alibis, excuses, hypnotherapy, Lies, truth
Button Money: Would you rather be right or be happy?
Posted by Stork on January 11th, 2011 | No Comments »
Yes, it does seem preferable to be both right and happy. But that’s often not a choice. Or, at least it’s not immediately available. So “both” is a goal. But until the goal is reached, which is your priority? Which would you rather have until you are sure of both?
Many people think they prefer to be happy. At least that’s what they say. But their actions speak otherwise. They pick and whine and moan and complain. There seem to be constant problems that are always someone else’s fault. They betray their true priority with a single word, “I prefer to be happy, BUT…”
The BUT says “I can’t be happy until everyone knows I am right.” But that statement itself is too straightforward; requiring self-disclosure and honesty. The more subtle expression—and more acceptable because it’s so commonly used—is, “If other people would stop doing things that annoy or hurt me, I could be truly happy.”
The reality is that there is always someone available to push your buttons if you make the buttons available. But they don’t push your buttons on purpose. Most of the time they don’t know your buttons exist, because they are busy attending to their own buttons. Bottom line; you are being You, they are being themselves. You can’t change them, but you can change yourself.
As Eleanor Roosevelt said, no one can make you feel bad without your permission. If you spend time grousing about other people, it’s likely you are not putting enough effort into being happy; preferring instead to be right. Each thing you feel a need to be right about is a button to be pushed. The very existence of the button gives tacit permission for other people to push it.
The type of change we’re suggesting doesn’t mean you should try to ignore or deny the annoying, irksome, or injurious behaviors directed your way. They are all very real—in your own mind. The key, therefore, is to change your mind. The buttons people push exist only in your mind. Reframing or eliminating the buttons leaves other people nothing to push; your problems evaporate, and all that’s left is happiness.
We know people who are right so much of the time that they don’t have time to relax and be happy. These are the perfectionists, the martyrs, and the door mats. They complain that other people ignore their advice, take advantage of their good nature, fail to recognize their talents, or have an unfair ability to get in ahead on good ideas. The other people always get the lucky breaks.
The insistent need to be right keeps happiness just out of reach. True happiness is blocked by alibis and excuses; the defensiveness of having to have things or do things your own way—the right way—or no way.
Over the next week or so, be mindful of occasions when you get annoyed with other people. Consider what button they are pushing. Remind yourself there is a good chance they don’t know the button exists. Then ask yourself why the button is there; what is it the button says about You, not the other person.
If you can’t see yourself functioning without that button, prepare for a life in which you are more often right than happy. That doesn’t mean you will be unhappy; but you won’t be as happy as you could be. Some buttons are easier to fix than others. The most persistent buttons may require help. That’s where the button money comes in. Buy a book. Attend a course. Seek out a knowledgeable professional. Some things you can’t fix on your own—and if you think you can, you may be right; but you won’t be as happy as you could be.
Filed under Uncategorized
Returning
Posted by Stork on January 3rd, 2011 | No Comments »
We’ve been out of the pocket for a couple months. Encountered a virus. To make sure our readers are completely protected, we completely uninstalled and then re-installed. We will be re-posting some of the dozen or so blog entries that had previously been here.
Filed under Uncategorized