Be My Valentine
Written on February 11, 2010 at 2:44 pm, by Steve Stork
Wanna gross out your kid on Valentine’s Day? In a public place, with lots of people around, say the three words everyone wants to hear, “Child, I am in love with you.” See how many cell phones speed-dial Child Protective Services.
There is a big difference between “I love you” and “I am in love with you.”
One is a state and the other is a trait. That is important because a state is temporary, while a trait is relatively permanent.
Being “in love” is a romantic state. Romanticism is fun, but hard to sustain. Soap operas provide a fairly realistic portrayal of what it means to be “in love.” Characters express ardent desires yet fall prey to roving eyes. While professing undying love for one partner, they seem unable to resist the enticement of another. The grass is always greener on the other side of the bedroom.
“Love” is hard work and, frankly, boring. It doesn’t make for very good theater. In fact, ask a couple married four or five decades why their marriage has lasted and you get a vanilla response, “We just made it work.” Probe a little deeper and you hear, “We promised to love and honor,” which became traits of the relationship.
If you have teenagers you have at one time or another probably resorted to a form of, “There are times when I do not understand you, and even find it hard to like you. But never doubt that I love you.” In other words, “I love you” conveys a trait that resists change, overcomes conflict and disagreement, and adapts over time to changes within the individuals.
Conveying love to a child in that way tells them you have their best interests in heart. Love keeps the lines of communication open, even when parent or child act in ways that drive the other to distraction. And in a committed relationship, the same can be true between adults.
Being “in love” is less permanent. It changes on a whim. It ends with sometimes even a minor conflict or disagreement. And, it is based on immutable ideals that, when proven wrong, terminate the relationship, i.e., “I thought you were perfect, but you are not.”
The ability to discriminate between “I love you” and “I am in love with you” defines relationships. The key difference is in what you “do.” Do you experience love (noun) or do you love (verb)?
“In love” (the noun) is an experience. It is life in the moment. You take no responsibility for it because it seems to have a life of its own. The lexicon of “falling” in and out of love supports the notion that it is sudden, unanticipated, capricious and uncontrollable; also, that it can only be experienced in extremes, as if the god of love flicks an On/Off switch.
In contrast, “love” (the verb), as in “I love you,” refers to your actions relative to the person you profess to love. Not that those actions always have predictable results. Some people are better or worse at giving and receiving love, making communication the most important act of love. In other words, love is a skill that benefits from constant practice and feedback. While “falling in love” is based on luck, “loving” reflects effort.
This Valentine’s Day, share acts of love. Saying “I love you” is a nice place to start, but it does not require meaningful effort. So, find a new way to show it. Surprise your Valentine with something of unique significance. Think beyond passion and the bedroom. In other words, how might you express your respect, admiration, appreciation, etc. for the person you love in a way that would not make a child think, “Oh, yuck”?
My New Year Resolutions, another set of ideas?
Written on January 6, 2010 at 4:06 pm, by Steve Stork
Minding my way to successful resolutions
New Year’s resolutions are a quaint tradition. They are more euphemistic than practicable. You say, “I resolve to…” while thinking, “It would be nice if something magical happened that would make me…”
Resolutions are not lies…exactly. But somehow they are more often intended than actualized. How is that so?
At the beginning of each new year you express desires to improve your state of well-being. You resolve to lose weight, manage debt, save money, get a better job, get back in shape, eat right, learn more, drink less, quit smoking, reduce stress, take a trip, or grow a garden.
Such resolutions are reasonable. It’s not like asking to win the lottery, find a cure for cancer or negotiate world peace. Yet, given you have the resources and the capacity to attain reasonable goals, you still fall short. What stops you from getting what you want? How come your resolutions feel more like a dream than a plan?
In her book Hypnotherapy: An Alternative Path to Health and Happiness (iChange Press), Dr. Kweethai Neill provides an explanation for the failure of most resolutions. Briefly, it’s not what you are eating, it’s what is eating you. While that sounds like dieting advice, the concept applies to all manner of resolutions.
New Year’s resolutions arise in the conscious mind, from things you know about yourself. The resolutions are expressions of desires to change your behaviors for the better. However, the conscious mind is the wrong place to start the process; because all habits—good or bad—originate in the subconscious.
The conscious mind is aware of habits but is powerless to change them. The conscious mind is logical and concrete, while the subconscious operates on emotions, and it is emotions that drive behaviors. For someone with bad food habits, you know a second piece of chocolate cake is unnecessary, yet you cannot resist the indulgence. Perhaps it is comfort food; the taste and texture reminds you of a time when mom’s baking provided a sense of love, comfort and safety. Those emotions trump logic and you take a bite.
Resolutions usually seem reasonable and logical. You think you have good reasons for stating what you want. But how you feel is more powerful than what you think. So understanding your feelings is a more effective path to changing your behaviors. But it is not an easy path to locate, since emotions are stored in the subconscious mind and resist being changed.
Fortunately, emotions can be accessed via hypnosis. And, via that access, they can be revised. As Dr. Neill explains it, hypnotherapy “rewrites the software of your mind” to revise emotional triggers. This makes the subconscious more amenable to change.
Change your mind to change your life
Most resolutions lead to tentative steps that, at best, create only temporary success. New behaviors don’t stick. Stressful events evoke emotions that cause you to fall off the wagon. You default back to your old habits (e.g., a former smoker lights up again as old stresses reassert themselves).
A more reliable way to ensure successful and sustainable change is to begin by revising emotions in the subconscious. This creates an energy flow that supports desired change. The result is that you feel empowered, and that makes you better able to sustain change.
This year try a new approach to actualizing your resolutions. For example, to more effectively attain what you want, first go inside yourself using meditation or prayer. With effort and practice, meditation shuts out conscious distractions; making it easier to address your feelings.
When you are still, your focus is better; which is empowering in itself. It sounds easy, but most people find this type of inner focus quite challenging.
If you cannot do it yourself, hypnotherapy can help. Hypnosis is simply a state of consciousness with a very narrow focus. You experience similar states every day. Consider how often you become engrossed reading a book or totally engaged in a project, to the point where you are not aware of your surroundings.
While in a hypnotic state, your thinking mind relaxes, which opens your feeling mind to suggestions. A competent hypnotherapist gives suggestions consistent with a prior discussion of changes you desire. You retain control. Your mind accepts only suggestions that correspond with your beliefs.
Once your subconscious is amenable to change, you are better prepared to learn new skills relevant to your desired behaviors. That includes learning self-hypnosis as a means of continuing to communicate with the subconscious yourself.
Don’t wait eleven and a half months to make new resolutions. Make them now and start looking for someone who can serve as your change catalyst. You’re on the right track; don’t be shy about asking for a push.
Success story:
Joanna, 52, was overweight most of her life. Her doctors were concerned for her health as she became borderline diabetic. She wanted and needed to lose some weight to enjoy her children and granddaughter. She had tried dieting, repeatedly losing and then gaining back the weight. As a last resort she saw Dr. Neill for hypnotherapy. Within two months, Joanna was one dress size smaller and her blood tests (HgA1c) were almost normal.
Joanna regained control of her life. She continues to lose weight without dieting. Since she is now happier and makes healthy choices to cope positively with stress, she can look at a chocolate cake and not be tempted by it!
Beware the spirit of Christmas cost
Written on December 12, 2009 at 9:32 am, by Steve Stork
Who’s paying for your Christmas? Or more accurately, what? For many people a credit card goes beyond mere convenience. If it weren’t for plastic, there would be little to celebrate on Christmas morning. But maybe that’s the way it should be.
The availability of quick credit makes it easy to lose sight of reality. What’s the real meaning of Christmas? Is it so bad if children do not receive everything on their wish list? Is it that embarrassing if the neighbors have a few more lights in their yard?
Too many people try to live up to a version of Christmas that would make a Madison Avenue Madman proud. They peruse Martha Stewart to create tableaus worthy of a Hallmark card and adhere to family traditions reminiscent of a Hallmark channel movie. At least that covers one end of the spectrum.
At the other end are petty, interpersonal dramas (the less pleasant half of those Christmas movies that make them interesting), which become even more stressful in light of the great expense (psychic or monetary or both) incurred trying to achieve holiday perfection.
It’s tempting to harken back to a simpler time. O Henry explained the true spirit of Christmas in his story of a wife who sold her beautiful hair to acquire a watch fob for her husband, while the husband simultaneously sold his prized pocket watch to buy ornate combs (i.e., fancy barrettes) for his wife’s hair. Children—and many adults—today cannot conceive such sacrifices. Modern gift giving is largely removed from sentiment, in favor of a gift’s popularity, brand or cost.
Ditto ostentatious light displays. Anyone who gets sucked into the neighborhood competition can soon find themselves spending much more than anticipated.
Which brings us back to the original question. What portion of holiday generosity is due to family circumstances, and what portion will be paid to a credit card company at 29% interest? Keep in mind, remittances hovering around the minimum payment will serve as a reminder of that generosity for many Christmases to come. Or, put another way, the payments may well last longer than a child’s memory of the gift.
The alternative? Expensive gifts are not an entitlement. And children can handle a bit of disappointment. Better yet, don’t feed unrealistic expectations; wishing is fun, but not all wishes come true. Certainly there is pressure to give children gifts they want. But at some point—when a wish list has been elevated to a list of demands—it is no longer a gift. The quality of any relationship should not be reduced to dollars and cents. The real Christmas spirit is represented in gifts lovingly selected to have special meaning for the recipient, not out of obligation to a list.
It is not easy to curb the irrational exuberance that typically accompanies Christmas. So, throughout the season, keep reminding yourself that the spirit of Christmas is in your heart, not in some small piece of plastic.
What is Creativity?
Written on November 2, 2009 at 1:19 pm, by Steve Stork
One of the most common reasons for seeking hypnotherapy is “to get unstuck.” Which, in simple terms, means “to be the person I would like to be, if only I could get out of my own way.” In other words, persons seeking hypnotherapy have preferred behaviors in mind, whether that means stopping bad habits or starting good ones. The inability to act on those desires makes them feel stupid or inadequate. Fact is, most have tried every conventional treatment or cure before settling on hypnotherapy as a last resort. They’re not lacking in intelligence or persistence. What they lack is creativity.
Creativity is often presented as a personality trait; you are either creative or you are not. But that’s not accurate. Creativity is a skill. Like any other skill, some people are better at it than others. But as a skill, creativity can be improved with practice.
As you might guess, one of the first steps to developing creativity is to eschew convention. Conventional thinking suggests that “practice makes perfect.” In reality, practicing a skill imperfectly makes one very consistent at that imperfect performance. So some creative soul modified it to “perfect practice makes perfect.” And that makes perfect sense; but who’s to say what constitutes perfection?
Actually, regardless of the skill, it’s pretty easy to find a teacher or coach who claims to understand perfection and can guide you towards it. And that includes creativity.
A discussion of the perception of perfection is beyond the scope of this piece. Suffice to say, virtually every skill can be broken down into smaller components. It is those components that the competent teacher or coach observes for when making recommendations for how one might improve.
The knowledgeable teacher attends more closely to the process of the skill than the product. That’s the difference between telling a basketball player he missed a foul shot (product) and recommending that he “follow thru in the direction of the basket” (process). And, yes, the same concept applies to observing components within creativity and recommending improvements related to them.
The iHealth Center tagline—Change Your Mind to Change Your Life—is an assertion of clients’ creative abilities. Most arrive with a pretty weak creativity muscle. That’s why they’re stuck. The challenge is to exercise that creativity thru repetition and refinement.
Hypnotherapy challenges conventional thought. Conventional therapies vest the responsibility for creative solutions in the care provider. Hypnotherapy requires collaboration between client and hypnotherapist, requiring both to think creatively. But don’t think of it as a game of HORSE. The client need not match the hypnotherapist’s creativity shot-for-shot. But neither is it a random “shoot around.” The purpose of developing ones skill in creativity is to produce relevant and practical solutions to real problems.
The next blog upload will discuss the components of creativity. When you know the components, and have developed some basic skill, you can self-monitor for continuous improvement.
Present and accounted for
Written on September 8, 2009 at 12:54 pm, by Steve Stork
What percentage of your time do you spend thinking about the past?
And what percentage of your time do you spend thinking about the future?
Don’t hedge. Create actual numbers in your head.
Now add them up. Subtract the sum from 100. And that leaves the percentage of time for you to be mindfully in the present.
Most people are shocked by this exercise. After all, you can’t change the past, and you can’t know the future. So the shocking part is that so many people spend such little time in the present; and it’s the only thing you really have control of.
“But,” you’re thinking, “I have only pleasant memories of the past; and I have wonderful goals for the future.” Our concern is not just that memories represent past embarrassment, or that the future present only worries. Thinking about positive events in the past means longing for it, wishing to go back to that time. And there’s nothing wrong with making plans and having goals, but too much time spent thinking about what things will be like when you get there detracts from doing the things necessary to get there.
Learn from the past so as not to repeat mistakes in the future. Plan for the future by acting in the present in ways that are consistent with that plan. Then live each day in the present to its fullest; because the past is gone, never to be repeated, and we cannot know the future, or even if there will indeed be a future.
And let’s say you have big dreams. What is your plan for after you make your first million? What happens after you win Olympic gold? What happens when you reach the peak; is it all really downhill from there?
Define yourself by who you are, not by your aspirations. That doesn’t mean you can’t fake it until you make it; but if you define yourself as a successful person, and your habits or abilities prevent you from truly becoming that false identity; you’ve created a failure of yourself. And that failure becomes your new identity. “I can’t do anything because, you see, I had this dream; and the dream didn’t work out; and it’s all I had. So I am a failed dream. And I can’t rise above that because that’s who I am, and that’s who I will always be.” For the person voicing such a rationalization, positive anticipation may or may not have been realistic, but nevertheless was unrealized. And once the dream ended, the focus shifted from the future to the past; reliving the moment of failure, and perhaps regretting having put all the eggs in one basket. The only real failing is the inability to consider alternate futures. But that requires taking stock within the present.
Do not interpret the preceding as advice to avoid dreaming big. Rather, expand your definition of Self from “I am the dream” to “I am someone who dreams big.” Then expand it from the future to the present, “I am someone who works toward big dreams.” Then minimize the influence of Fate by putting yourself in control, “My dreams don’t define me. I define my dreams. And as circumstances change, and as I come to a full understanding of my internal and external resources, my dreams can change.” Then be open to new opportunities, “Should I have the opportunity to accomplish a really big dream, I retain the flexibility and ability to set new goals. I will not be limited or defined by my accomplishments. But I will be defined by the way I live my life each day.”
Learn from the past. Prepare for the future. Live in the present.
Theft by Credit Card
Written on August 17, 2009 at 4:32 pm, by Steve Stork
Champagne taste on a beer budget presents a real paradox in the search for happiness. Theft by credit card is not just a legal crime associated with identity theft. In terms of financial health, it can be a moral crime you commit against yourself. You do it out of a sense of entitlement, to support an aspirational lifestyle. It is hardly surprising that people who rationalize excessive feel-good purchases are drowning in credit card debt.
Your “Need” is My “Excess”
Aspirational purchasing may be good for the economy, but it isn’t good for you. To understand why, you have to understand the concept. Aspirations refer to what you would like to be, or how you would like to live. Aspirations could be related to a specific plan or goal, but more often they simply convey a dream.
The aspirational lifestyle is based on a distorted sense of need. Aspirational needs are fueled by:
• Wanting to live like one’s parents, without the 20-30 years it took them to achieve that lifestyle.
• Peer comparisons. In a competitive society, too many people judge their self value not by how their own real needs are met, but by whether or not their friends or neighbors have more.
• Short attention spans. Special events have become ubiquitous, so that nothing is truly special anymore. That makes it harder to be patient and delay gratification.
• Controlling ads. Advertisements sell by creating dis-satisfaction (“You deserve the car of your dreams”) and fear (“You are a bad mother if you do not use anti-bacterial soap”). And though you may initially resist the attempts of advertisers to control you, their persistence has a cumulative effect on the subconscious mind.
These are the types of influence that cause one to go about acquiring the trappings of wealth prior to acquiring an occupation or resources sufficient to fund those acquisitions. And ads support that as well by suggesting that short-term debt is really just a matter of convenience. So you put yourself in debt on the presumption that 1) the terms will make it easy to pay by installments, 2) your aspirations are to increase your income, making the debt a temporary inconvenience, and 3) if all else fails, positive thinking will present a solution if it should become necessary to really pay the debt off.
Bottom line, such rationalizations only mask an attitude of “I can’t wait, I need it now, and I’ll have it despite the potential consequences.” And that is what makes such spending excessive. It is not the amount. It is not the nature of the purchase. It is the impatience and imprudence of acquiring debt to satisfy short-term desires.
Don’t fake it till you make it
Some wealth advisors advocate living the lifestyle you desire, on the presumption that new avenues consistent with the way you portray yourself will open. It can work…but rarely. Few people have the demeanor or desire to exert the effort that must accompany this approach. Even assuming that wealth production might follow the mere appearance of wealth, at what point does one attempt to stop spending beyond their means? It is a hard habit to break.
More important to Be than to Aspire
Aspirations are good and positive. They contribute to happiness if they are realistic, you have a plan, and you are willing to exert effort in that direction. But living the life of your dreams, in a way that creates an ever-deepening pool of debt, becomes a nightmare.
It is important to plan for the future, but live in the present. Credit cards are not inherently evil. They are indeed convenient. Particularly if you have the resources to zero out your account each month. But the current economic conditions may force credit card issuers to find new ways to charge even those of us who pay off the balance every month. We may not like it, but they provide a service and should get something for it.
The thief to watch out for is yourself
It is easy to blame credit card companies for the hole many people find themselves in. But far too many people dug that hole with no assistance. Aspirational spending steals from your future. Only in the most euphemistic terms can it be considered any type of investment. It is money you will never see again. And with credit card interest hovering around 26%, aspirational acquisitions end up with a real cost of around twice the purchase price. So remember, for that finger pointing blame at the credit card carriers, there are three fingers pointing back at you.
If you don’t believe it, try living on cash for 6 months.
Shoulda known? Coulda known. Didn’t know!
Written on July 7, 2009 at 1:28 pm, by Steve Stork
Whining is a time-honored pastime. If you are human you have done it. Even Positive Humans can get tired and cranky and engage a little whine with their Chees! But the Positive Human recognizes the negative energy that bubbles up in the whine, identifies the source of that negativity and transmutes it to positive energy.
How can you tell if you are a whiner? Most whiners live in Egypt along de Nile. Some blissfully ignore the inconsistency of “I am happy” followed by a laundry list of complaints. Others fess up to their unhappiness, detailing the same list of complaints. The complaints vary from home to work, from individuals to situations, from minor and specific to serious and broad. The only thing they have in common is that they are seemingly intractable and “… not my fault.”
It’s not uncommon for a whiner to claim “I choose to be happy…” followed immediately by “…if only I didn’t have to deal with these knuckleheads!”
A fellow whiner responds, “I hear you! They do the same thing to me.” Which begets a game of One-Upmanship in which each player attempts to convey ever more grievous complaints of malfeasance, non-feasance, or any other feasance that supports a contention of, “Look what they did to me. They should have known better!”
Which begs the question, How? The modus operandi of the whiner is to air a complaint to everyone except the relevant actor in it. So, this is the point where I recommend talking to the relevant actor and leaving everyone else out of it. And I do so with the assumption that everyone already knows that to be the correct course of action. But, do you!
The first How (How is an offender to know of a misstep if the offended does not say Ouch?) is followed by a second How (How can the offended say Ouch in a way that does not swap roles? I.e., it is unproductive if the offended becomes an offender in a downward spiral of reactive counter-offenses) and perhaps even a third How (How can the offended educate the offender in a way that minimizes future offenses?).
Whining at the offender is ineffective because it acknowledges only one perspective (your own) and usually dictates unilateral change (them). Getting out of whiner mode requires more elegant communication skills than “telling them off.” Rather, you need to listen and be open to change yourself.
Tell the offender what they did (or did not do) that caused offense to you and how it made you feel. Be prepared for some defensiveness; in a world of whiners, the communicative approach is too often unexpected. But speaking calmly and politely is a good way to start, gradually melting the defensiveness and opening clearer communication.
Then listen to their perspective. Be prepared to accept a reasonable explanation. And, yes, ignorance is a reasonable explanation. It may be ignorance of your own desires or preference, or it may be ignorance of broader issues (manners, patterns of speech, culture, etc.). Ignorance presents an opportunity to inform or educate; again calmly, politely, and with compassion for the culture or upbringing underlying that ignorance.
Be prepared also that an offender’s actions may be acceptable within their personal culture or environment. In some circumstances, an offender’s actions may be mandated by a higher authority. In other words, be prepared to accept that some things will not change.
Bottom line, the only person you can change is you. It takes courage to be Happy. With the perception that You are Good Enough, you can say Ouch when offended, but do so in a way that fosters mutual understanding. Very often, offenses are unintentional and easily resolved via calm communication. And for those that cannot be resolved, Happiness sometimes requires Acceptance. That does not infer you should lie down and give in to every offense. Rather, exploring an issue with relevance and objectivity improves your understanding, making it easier to implement change when possible and to accept what cannot be changed.
It’s Complicated
Written on June 1, 2009 at 2:23 pm, by Steve Stork
Though lacking the universality of “Duh!” and “Awesome,” the phrase “It’s complicated,” has established itself firmly in the vernacular. It might be considered non-communicative, as in “ducking the question.” But that’s not entirely true, because the nature of the response conveys quite a lot. If “It’s complicated”—or similar phrases—are part of your lexicon, you might want to consider how it sounds to others and what it says about you.
“It’s complicated” lacks the defensive brashness of “Mind your own business!” So it could be considered a polite way to demur. On the other hand, it’s usually expressed coyly; as in “I’d rather keep you guessing.” And that has a certain allure, up to a point. But it could also mean “I have no idea what I’m talking about.”
“My life is…(dramatic pause)…complicated,” is meant to tantalize. The speaker’s intent is to suggest grave details too burdensome with which to bother the listener. It creates generalized sympathy without the need for messy details. But it could also mean “I haven’t a clue what my life is about.”
As “It’s complicated” is uttered more frequently—eventually rolling off the tongue as if a polite expletive—the details do matter. Because when the details emerge, it’s generally not that complicated. And maybe you do have a clue; but just don’t want to fess up to having contributed to the mess.
The “complicated” part is 1) you have made choices, 2) those choices had consequences, 3) you are living with the consequences, and 4) you don’t want to admit responsibility for the choices that now make your life “complicated.” Or 4) you are unable to take responsibility since you have not taken time to mindfully consider that responsibility.
“It’s complicated” deflects potential criticism of your choices; which means you are not dealing well with them yourself. Failing to admit responsibility for past choices leads to perpetual guilt; or the denial form of guilt, blame. And that guilt or blame creates an excuse to further avoid introspection.
So, “It’s complicated” 1) hides the problem, 2) to avoid conflicting opinions of responsibility for the problem, 3) which allows you to either wallow in your own guilt and blame someone else for the problem, 4) with no accountability.
To avoid a defensive position of explaining or justifying choices, you create an offensive position. You want to sound sophisticated. “I have problems you can’t imagine.” “No one knows the trouble I’ve seen” “The tears of the clown when there’s no one around.” Let the listener create their own assumptions of unrequited love, disappointments, the stuff of dime novels. The idea being to generate sympathy whether it’s deserved or not.
But offense in this form simply hides defensiveness. Imagine the person who says “It’s complicated” with a friend in attendance, and both share a laugh at it. Offensively, it’s an in-your-face expression of “I am so sophisticated I carry on secret conversations with my friends, because they understand me in ways no one else can.” Defensively, it conveys “You are not yet my friend; I have trust issues; I am not ready for you to know I have made choices I regret.”
Un-complicating things is quite simple, though rarely easy. You may recall the Serenity Prayer, “God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.”
Wouldn’t it be wonderful to freely express, “This is my life circumstance. It reflects choices in my past. Those choices influence my future, but do not determine it. I can be who I want to be via the choices I make now.” Not very complicated, is it?
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