It’s Complicated
Though lacking the universality of “Duh!” and “Awesome,” the phrase “It’s complicated,” has established itself firmly in the vernacular. It might be considered non-communicative, as in “ducking the question.” But that’s not entirely true, because the nature of the response conveys quite a lot. If “It’s complicated”—or similar phrases—are part of your lexicon, you might want to consider how it sounds to others and what it says about you.
“It’s complicated” lacks the defensive brashness of “Mind your own business!” So it could be considered a polite way to demur. On the other hand, it’s usually expressed coyly; as in “I’d rather keep you guessing.” And that has a certain allure, up to a point. But it could also mean “I have no idea what I’m talking about.”
“My life is…(dramatic pause)…complicated,” is meant to tantalize. The speaker’s intent is to suggest grave details too burdensome with which to bother the listener. It creates generalized sympathy without the need for messy details. But it could also mean “I haven’t a clue what my life is about.”
As “It’s complicated” is uttered more frequently—eventually rolling off the tongue as if a polite expletive—the details do matter. Because when the details emerge, it’s generally not that complicated. And maybe you do have a clue; but just don’t want to fess up to having contributed to the mess.
The “complicated” part is 1) you have made choices, 2) those choices had consequences, 3) you are living with the consequences, and 4) you don’t want to admit responsibility for the choices that now make your life “complicated.” Or 4) you are unable to take responsibility since you have not taken time to mindfully consider that responsibility.
“It’s complicated” deflects potential criticism of your choices; which means you are not dealing well with them yourself. Failing to admit responsibility for past choices leads to perpetual guilt; or the denial form of guilt, blame. And that guilt or blame creates an excuse to further avoid introspection.
So, “It’s complicated” 1) hides the problem, 2) to avoid conflicting opinions of responsibility for the problem, 3) which allows you to either wallow in your own guilt and blame someone else for the problem, 4) with no accountability.
To avoid a defensive position of explaining or justifying choices, you create an offensive position. You want to sound sophisticated. “I have problems you can’t imagine.” “No one knows the trouble I’ve seen” “The tears of the clown when there’s no one around.” Let the listener create their own assumptions of unrequited love, disappointments, the stuff of dime novels. The idea being to generate sympathy whether it’s deserved or not.
But offense in this form simply hides defensiveness. Imagine the person who says “It’s complicated” with a friend in attendance, and both share a laugh at it. Offensively, it’s an in-your-face expression of “I am so sophisticated I carry on secret conversations with my friends, because they understand me in ways no one else can.” Defensively, it conveys “You are not yet my friend; I have trust issues; I am not ready for you to know I have made choices I regret.”
Un-complicating things is quite simple, though rarely easy. You may recall the Serenity Prayer, “God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.”
Wouldn’t it be wonderful to freely express, “This is my life circumstance. It reflects choices in my past. Those choices influence my future, but do not determine it. I can be who I want to be via the choices I make now.” Not very complicated, is it?
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