Shoulda known? Coulda known. Didn’t know!
Whining is a time-honored pastime. If you are human you have done it. Even Positive Humans can get tired and cranky and engage a little whine with their Chees! But the Positive Human recognizes the negative energy that bubbles up in the whine, identifies the source of that negativity and transmutes it to positive energy.
How can you tell if you are a whiner? Most whiners live in Egypt along de Nile. Some blissfully ignore the inconsistency of “I am happy” followed by a laundry list of complaints. Others fess up to their unhappiness, detailing the same list of complaints. The complaints vary from home to work, from individuals to situations, from minor and specific to serious and broad. The only thing they have in common is that they are seemingly intractable and “… not my fault.”
It’s not uncommon for a whiner to claim “I choose to be happy…” followed immediately by “…if only I didn’t have to deal with these knuckleheads!”
A fellow whiner responds, “I hear you! They do the same thing to me.” Which begets a game of One-Upmanship in which each player attempts to convey ever more grievous complaints of malfeasance, non-feasance, or any other feasance that supports a contention of, “Look what they did to me. They should have known better!”
Which begs the question, How? The modus operandi of the whiner is to air a complaint to everyone except the relevant actor in it. So, this is the point where I recommend talking to the relevant actor and leaving everyone else out of it. And I do so with the assumption that everyone already knows that to be the correct course of action. But, do you!
The first How (How is an offender to know of a misstep if the offended does not say Ouch?) is followed by a second How (How can the offended say Ouch in a way that does not swap roles? I.e., it is unproductive if the offended becomes an offender in a downward spiral of reactive counter-offenses) and perhaps even a third How (How can the offended educate the offender in a way that minimizes future offenses?).
Whining at the offender is ineffective because it acknowledges only one perspective (your own) and usually dictates unilateral change (them). Getting out of whiner mode requires more elegant communication skills than “telling them off.” Rather, you need to listen and be open to change yourself.
Tell the offender what they did (or did not do) that caused offense to you and how it made you feel. Be prepared for some defensiveness; in a world of whiners, the communicative approach is too often unexpected. But speaking calmly and politely is a good way to start, gradually melting the defensiveness and opening clearer communication.
Then listen to their perspective. Be prepared to accept a reasonable explanation. And, yes, ignorance is a reasonable explanation. It may be ignorance of your own desires or preference, or it may be ignorance of broader issues (manners, patterns of speech, culture, etc.). Ignorance presents an opportunity to inform or educate; again calmly, politely, and with compassion for the culture or upbringing underlying that ignorance.
Be prepared also that an offender’s actions may be acceptable within their personal culture or environment. In some circumstances, an offender’s actions may be mandated by a higher authority. In other words, be prepared to accept that some things will not change.
Bottom line, the only person you can change is you. It takes courage to be Happy. With the perception that You are Good Enough, you can say Ouch when offended, but do so in a way that fosters mutual understanding. Very often, offenses are unintentional and easily resolved via calm communication. And for those that cannot be resolved, Happiness sometimes requires Acceptance. That does not infer you should lie down and give in to every offense. Rather, exploring an issue with relevance and objectivity improves your understanding, making it easier to implement change when possible and to accept what cannot be changed.